Have you ever looked back over your life with the purpose of taking inventory? I have… I have a lot. And I am again.
For those of you who aren’t given to religous topics, please hang in there as this really isn’t about religion. This is about me and what makes me tick as an individual. You want to know the source of all my passions? Then read the rest.
Without going into details, I became a Christian in February 1990. It was a pretty intense conversion as I changed dramatically and overnight. This caught all of my friends and family off guard. But it also took my new Christian friends by surprise as well. I suppose it would have been nice had I merely eased myself into a Christian walk. But my convictions and my hunger for studying were insatiable. I was always on and there was no OFF switch to be found.
When I came out to California in the summer of 1992, I had to wrestle with myself and this battle would continue until today. You see, I had felt the calling of God into the ministry and my pastor and the church elders, back in Jacksonville, felt it too. But this was constantly denounced and rejected when I came out here. No, I was to become Mike the computer guy. My convictions for doctrine, theology, studying and living made everyone around me uncomfortable. I simply could never go with the flow; and had to question everything I saw as inconsistent with the scriptures. Soon, I found myself taking on religious orthodoxy and taking on the modern day Christian church.
Over the years I wish I could simply shut my eyes, shut my mouth, or… better yet, turn off my ability to detect what was wrong. My calling hasn’t led to a great church ministry. And a pulpit and I are really not in the cards. My auditorium has been the open air and the world. I feel so much like John the baptist at times and just a voice crying out in the wilderness.
Some of you may think this is a good thing. I suppose it is and I love being a Christian and walking by faith. I couldn’t imagine living this life otherwise. However, my calling and this particular “gifting” has been my curse. It has destroyed so much in my life as I have never been able to just “fit in” and to get along. No, I feel I’m destined to continue wandering. And the toll that has been taken on my family and friends has been unbearable. It’d have been better if they never knew me. I really have brought much pain and heartache into their lives. And it’s not fair to them– at least not in my estimation.
Nevertheless, I am what I am. And I alone must learn to live with myself. While I still view this calling to be a curse, I have found relative peace in the last few months with my new found friendships. The non-Christian/religious people who seem to converse with me have given me a place to be myself and to live out my walk and my faith without all of the condemnation and criticsm I have experienced over the years. And though they don’t understand or agree with all that I’m about, they seem to tolerate me well from more of a philosophical perspective. I can be ME with them. There’s no worrying about keeping anything shut up inside and they seem to appreciate, more, my perspective on life and on living with my fellow man. Could this be my home? I don’t know.
I find myself at one of life’s crossroads, again. This one is decidedly different than all those, which have come before. I do not know what to expect from it. There is so much I do not know and much more that I fear. Yet freedom seems to be meeting me. Could it be that I’ve seared my conscience? Have I grown cold to the things of God? Am I believing a lie and have I been deceived? These are questions I find myself asking.
Now the odd thing is that my convictions are sharper than ever. My faith is still my refuge. But now there are new struggles and new challenges. Or perhaps it’s just time to deal with those that I’ve wrestled with for years, those things, which have haunted me for so long. I wish I knew more to say. Instead, I need to see where all of this will head.
Several weeks ago, I made a switch in how I blog. My goal, was to stop alienating those friends who believed differently than me. And I wanted to stop the round robin theology that I found myself growing weary of. It’s easy to bounce things off of people and hope they will reinforce what I’ve written. The trend of being more profound than the other guy can be quite a temptation. But it is an empty temptation that I have found leading to pride and condescension. My change in style has nipped that in the bud. And I haven’t regretted it since.
No doubt I will continue to alienate some in my life. I assure you that is not my intention. I am not walking away from what I believe, but rather trying to embrace it more. I simply wish to be free to be me and not the person that folks have wanted me to become. Needless to say I have quite a few mixed emotions. But I’m not as torn as I probably should be. It would just be nice if I could wave a magic wand and make some forget about me. Ugh!
A bit of a sobering one, don’t you think?
Please do not think for a second that I am smuggling drugs up my bahooky and across the border. That’s just WRONG! And in so many ways.