wildernessVoice

Well, I’m at that uncomfortable place in my life again as I have submitted my resignation on Monday. Obviously I did this to pursue a better job, right? Not necessarily so. This may be true, but I simply don’t know as I haven’t pursued anything. I just knew it was time to move on. So, as of June 15th, I may actually be without work.

This has been a familiar theme for my wife and me. I have been a startup guy for quite a while– since the early 90s. Unlike many who get recruited by such companies, I’m the kind of guy that gets the bug for an idea then begins shaping it till it looks close to being a reality. After a good bit of pioneering work, people tend to come on board with investment or with bringing their expertise to contribute.

For those who have read much about this phenomena of Silicon Valley life, it’s a lonely place for guys like me. Often times there are folks who say they buy in to the idea, but secretly are skeptics. Then there are those who will eventually join the team, but have their doubts as to whether the “thing” can actually be created. It’s in this last reaction that I tend to really struggle.

Despite all the studying, schooling, prototyping and everything else I do, I have my definite deficiencies. One such example is my ability to program in the C language. You see, this is the predominantly used programming language in my industry. Unfortunately, I have never taken a single class. And, I only have a vague notion of certain terminology– but lack understanding of syntax. So, when my friends come along who have a mastery of the subject and feel that something isn’t going to work, who am I to disagree?

Yet I can visualize this solution in my head; so it must be real. But what can a guy like me do? Do I merely wait for an individual to come along who can deliver on my dream. Or do I alter my dream to fit what others say we can do?

I’ve actually tried both of these approaches to a certain degree. What I have may be interesting to you. Waiting around for someone to come tends to lead to more waiting… and more waiting. And each time we’ve altered the gameplan, we have met with such grave difficulty that it’s inexplicable. But eventually we get back to the original idea that starts in my head and a Cinderella story follows.

Let’s add to the mystery just a bit. Remember my C deficiency? Well, I have built the initial prototype for each and every product we’ve eventually taken to market and sold. You know? The “thing” that wasn’t doable. Yes, I do the bulk of this work in C. And no, I typically can’t read the code I produce.

It’s funny with my current software team that I’m about to leave. They’re a great bunch of guys and I wish they could all come with me. This bunch has made my life easier in the way they support me. We all know that I have this weakness. And they more than cover for me. But when it comes to the really hairy kernel related work, they tend to come to me first. It’s like a marriage relationship where we both complement one another.

In Proverbs 3, we’re told to “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

Let’s think about this for a second. We’re told to trust, be confident or find security in Christ. We’re also told to not rely on our own understanding or learning.

This first part is fairly self explanatory for most Christians. After all, it’s one of the first memory verses for many. And if you ask any Christian whether he believes this, he’s sure to say yes. But it’s this second part the many tend to stumble over. But the scripture is very emphatic about this. In the Greek, the typical syntax is subject, verb, object. But in Hebrew, it’s typically verb, subject object. Here we have a deviation from the normal word order. We have understanding preceeding the verb “lean”. So, what? Well, this becomes emphatic by position. You’ll have to “trust” me on this.

Now, I don’t hear voices in my head and I don’t see writing on any of the walls in my home– well, nothing aside from my son’s artwork. But I do get a sort of intuition. Usually when I get this, I get it right down to the minute details. Not only do I get the concept, and the ability to prototype the concept, but I also tend to get the business plan and everything else that goes with it.

Slowly, I am learning to go with this and not to second guess. It’s difficult, though. It defies conventional wisdom. And before you remind me that conventional wisdom tends to be pragmatic and humanly, which I agree, you should bear in mind that you might be one that counsels me to act contrary. Why do I say that? Well, if you’re my friend, you probably care for me and my family.

Believe me, I don’t mean this as a critcism. I do the same thing to my friends.

Acting contrary to our own understanding may be one of the most difficult things we do. I’m not sure why that’s the case; but consider it. Living by faith requires all facets of our being. It’s not enough for us to simply say we believe the bible. We need to live out our faith daily.

And if you don’t mind, I do covet your prayers. Having said all of this, I may have pulled a bonehead move. I’m not exempt.

-Mike

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