wildernessVoice

Okay, so the title probably requires a little explanation and I hope to do just that.

I was introduced to Calvinism back in 2001 at a breakfast I was invited to by some friends. Two of my friends were Fundamentalists from the same church as me. While I knew of Calvinism from a high school world cultures class, I really didn’t know much about it. I equated Calvinism to fatalism, which I had significant issues with. So, when I knew I was going to have a chance to debate my first Calvinist, I got excited.

The debate really didn’t last very long before I asked for a reprieve. But this was different than other debates. I didn’t ask to stop because I was simply getting clobbered. Instead, I was growing deeply disturbed that I agreed with all the doctrines discussed. Hmm. What was wrong with me?

I think part of the problem that we faced early on in the discussion was a major difference in semantics and vocabulary. For example, I really had no idea what infralapsarian, presuppositional apologetics, arminianism, etc, really meant. So, being attacked on definitions was rather pointless. Similarly, our notions of free will needed elaboration. This individual discounted it all together, whereas I believed an individual had free will that could only operate in accordance with his inherent nature.

Since becoming a Christian, I spent much time studying. But unlike many of my friends, I really didn’t spend much time reading other authors or about cults, etc. I merely believed that truly studying scriptures was the best defense and offense. I feel the same today, though I have built up an extensive library of books I’ve read since embracing my Calvinistic beliefs.

Anyway, all of this changed my life rather abruptly. Being able to put a name on how I believed was very helpful. Until this time, I simply thought I was the problem. I couldn’t understand why so much of what I heard preached and taught seemed so contrary to scripture. Similarly, I found folks could express their faith in words, but deny it in their actions. Once I knew what was going on, I became very bold.

As I began attending the reformed church that opened my eyes, I became a sponge. I quickly became equipped in Greek and in other tools and studied feverishly for 5 to 8 hours per day. I couldn’t get enough.

I mention on another post how the men of this church apparently had a problem with me. At this particular time, however, I thought they liked me. In hind sight, I think they simply received entertainment value from me. I’m sure it was quite fun to use me like a fragmentation grenade upon the arminian enemy. The problem was that my wife and other family members were in this camp and not safe from becoming collateral damage.

At this point, I should remind you of the feverish studying I was use to doing and how I did not favor or rely on other authors to derive my stance or doctrine. Well, the word of God really is sharper than any two-edged sword. And it very quickly discerned the thoughts and intents of the hearts in both camps.

Despite the fact I was coming to some realizations, I was losing my family. The fundamentalist church my wife was attending decided to rally around her as being persecuted for her faith. Many advised her to leave me. One pastor even told her that normally he’d recommend the wife follow her husband. But since I was a Calvinist, he had to advise otherwise. I was in the battle of my life.

Fortunately, God had given me a wonderful Christian woman as my wife. Despite the fact she was raised in this fundamentalism, she loved God and sought him daily. She just didn’t understand all of the differences and she despised the hateful tactics of the Calvinists in the other camp. In fact, we had dinner one night at the home of the man I had debated at the breakfast. When he introduced himself to my wife, he said, “Hi, I’m the man who has turned your life upside down”. As a godly woman, my wife has a keen spirit for things. While I still thought this individual was a godly man, she felt otherwise and that he was merely using me. But I really didn’t listen to her. I really never gave her a chance to express herself. Any time she tried to express her doctrinal belief on something, I would cut her off and nit pick how she was off in some respect.

This went on for a while– approximately 18 months. The wedge continued to be jammed between us and it was starting to look as if divorce was inevitable. Then something happened.

Without going into too much detail, I had sold one of my companies for $40M in 2000. I thought I was set for life and didn’t concern myself with financial matters. While I had paid everything off at one point, I began giving to this cause and to that cause. I gave to numerous churches and individuals. When I ran out of cash, I financed the things I owned to be able to give more away. I was very zealous for the Gospel and wanted people all around the world to hear the truth. I simply figured I could always sell my remaining stock to get more to pay my debt off again. Just a tip, don’t ever do this.

Needless to say, the stock did unusal things. It went from $65 per share to less than $1 per share. Now, all I had was debt. But at least I had my faith and my health. Well, that didn’t last long either.

I became very ill with a case of pneumonia like I had never known before. At one point, I thought for sure I was going to die as we no longer had medical insurance due to the financial downturn. On top of this, I lost my voice. I don’t mean simple laryngitis. I couldn’t even manage a soft whisper. This lasted for more than two months. However, it took a full two years for my voice to get to the point I could even sing hymns again. I was struck down in every way short of death. And every day I woke up, I wished– no– I begged God to kill me. I had never been so low in all my life. I could think of nothing greater than dying.

Then it hit me. So much of my contention with our fundamentalist friends was based on my view of my marriage. If only my wife would get with the program and submit to me, things might be different. After all, she was supposed to complete me. Right? But that’s when God opened my eyes further. He had to bring me down so low that I would listen to him. You see, I really didn’t want my wife to complete me. I wanted her to mirror or mimic my beliefs and my stance. I wanted her to be my mini-Me. In reality, she really was completing me. She was being exactly what I needed; and God knew it.

Well, when I finally came to my senses, I couldn’t wait to tell her what God had revealed to me. I apologized for putting her through such pain and for putting us in such a desperate position. My demeanor towards her, towards our other family members and friends completely changed. And my tactics for presenting the doctrines of grace also changed significantly.

It wasn’t long before things started to turn around again, in all areas. I believe our marriage became stronger than it ever was and soon my wife was explaining Calvinistic doctrine to others. Soon after, several of our family members turned from their fundamentalism too. We began to see the blessings of God in ways we never anticipated.

One of the serious dangers we face is being puffed up with much knowledge. There is often times much pressure to study and to keep on par with others. Have you ever felt slack for not reading Kuyper, Warfield or Calvin?

Occasionally, we may even contrast our walk with those of arminian persuasion based on the studying we do versus their distaste for scholarship. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with studying. I continue to spend a great amount of time to this date. But we need to guard ourselves against thinking more highly of ourselves than we ought to. And we need to refrain from comparing ourselves with others.

I learned all of this the hard way. But just as I was once blinded till God opened my eyes, so are many of the people we encounter still blinded. It really has very little to do with me as to whether they’ll come to the truth or not. I’m merely an instrument of God if I’m lucky. But we need to think of ourselves properly. We’re really nothing apart from what God brings us to do and to be. This sobering thought should bring about meekness and temperance in our lives and in our interactions with others.

I hope this may be of help to some of you and that you never have to experience what I went through. But I must also say, I wouldn’t trade my experience for anything. Had God not struck me down, I don’t think I’d enjoy him nearly as much as I now do.

May God bless you,

Mike

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